Edgar Allan Poe, it is said, would read the news, the scandal sheets and even the Federal Register looking for stories. Today, we have the Internet, which can be an amazing scandal sheet. But sometimes there’s just news, weird news, stupid news, horrible news (the norm). And this story came via a news outlet. I just left out the hook. I also colorized the story. I intended it to be a horror story but something happened along the way. The ending was intended, though. A kind of, “and then this happened,” as with children telling what happened.
And then, in a story the following day, I ran across another graveyard item. It is now being written on the dining room table, listening to Memphis Minnie. This one, upcoming, is intentially absurdist. Life or Death was not intended so. It’s just. . . something got hold of me. . .
Life After Death
James L. Secor
Imagine your most fervent wish came true. Immeasurable bliss. Of course, for appearance’s sake you’d have to withhold public displays of joy and thanksgiving. Perhaps not so difficult to do, as the wish was also secretly held. But sometimes the inner workings of human nature have a tendency to work their way up through layers of consciousness and self-protection to appear unbidden and miraculously into the public domain. Then, you just make excuses for your ill-got behavior, explaining it away, if, indeed, your sentiments are not in agreement with others. Which, of course, they are not for this story. For this story is about wishing and repercussions.
Roxanne was a strong woman with dearly held beliefs. However, her mother-in-law was a domineering bitch. Though Roxanne was able to keep her at a distance—Roxanne and Will lived elsewhere—but Mama Stella Pirella Deirdre Webb insisted on daily phone calls to “Billy.” Whenever anyone is trying to control you, they will lie. Inevitably. Although Will knew this, knowledge seemed to be on the back burner whenever Mama Stella called “Billy.” The word “Billy” was a button pusher. Will did not whine on the phone but he was acquiescent. A mama’s boy yes man. Not that, at this distance Will necessarily did his mother’s bidding but he did mention it. Whenever. And whenever Mama Stella visited, more often than necessary or welcome, adjustments of a sort had to be made in order, as Will or “Billy” had it, to keep her, if not happy then moderately content.
During one such visit, Roxanne and Will sat in the kitchen, a late night moment of togetherness.
“What do we need with servants?”
“We’re rich enough, Rochester.”
“Why do you insist on calling me that?”
“Because I can’t live without you.”
“I might as well be Jeeves.” Roxanne’s dish washing become noisy, water sloshing about.
“I have Mama for that.”
“Ain’t that the truth!” More sloshing.
“Don’t be too hard on her, Rochester.”
Roxanne rinsed her hands and turned to face her husband, wiping her hands on a bright flowery tea towel.
“Surely you’re not conspiring to have her move in here? I’ll have to buy another oven to cook in.”
“She keeps her Zinfandel in the oven.”
“Oh, yes. I forgot.”
“How could you?!”
Will shrugged. Then, “Where’s she keep it when she’s here?”
“Writing desk drawer.”
“In a manner of speaking.” Roxanne sighed. “Warm wine!”
A sudden creaking from upstairs cut short the conversation. Quietly they listened to the wandering sound. That could only be Mama Stella. Mama Stella with a tank full. Roxanne looked at Will.
“Beer?” Her voice was unnaturally loud.
“A little bit of God from the valley can’t be bad.”
“Let us hope so,” grunted Roxanne as she took the beer from the fridge. She went in search of appropriate glasses. Not a search at all, as Roxanne was rather OC about her kitchen.
A pop of the cork and a scurry of creaking from above greeted Roxanne’s return to the table. Will poured, careful about the head. Not an easy task with Belgian beer.
Roxanne drank her way through the foaming head, pulled away with a bubbly brown moustache and smiled. She refilled her glass.
“Funny how she can drink and wander around a strange house and not meet calamity.”
“Why do we have to do things her way?”
“Only when she’s here.”
“Bullshit.” Roxanne took a long swallow.
“Well, alright. But it keeps her under control. . .somewhat.”
“Somewhat. No truer word. She’ll probably rise up to make sure she’s mourned and buried just so.”
“You’d like that?” Will looked at her over the top of his glass.
“God no! The thought of your mother rising from the grave is too frightening for words.”
“Yes. I think you’re right.”
Will and Roxanne laughed heartily, requiring more ale to mellow this world they’d conjured up.
“I don’t think you’d know what to do without her.”
“Lord give me the chance to find out.”
“This is my mother you’re talking about, y’know.”
“You really wish my poor mother dead?” asked Will, holding his glass up for more.
“We could travel without your mother.”
Will took a long drink.
“She is still my mother.”
“Impotent dreams.” Though Roxanne wished they had children so a toy could be left on the stairs one night.
When it happened, it wasn’t via misplaced toy. Where would she get the children? There was only Will and he was doing something wrong, not to have given his father a son; but for Mama Stella, it was all Roxanne’s fault. The snide comments irked both Roxanne and Will. All the more reason for short, well-spaced visits. And, of course, Will was not assertive—or perhaps reckless?–enough to reprimand his mother, as it were. Set her straight. Or, more upsetting to Roxanne, not defending his wife or his marriage.
When mother was out of the picture, Billy as a different person. Billy was Will. Sometimes willful. Which made the marriage exciting.
So, Roxanne spent a good deal of time dreaming of ways in which Stella Pirella Deirdre Webb might meet her maker after each visit, and, for that matter, before, at the phone call announcing her intention. Toys on the stairs was the least offensive, as was a drunken stupor fall, even though Stella did not drink so much in quantity, just whenever. So she had good tolerance and never stumbled. Still, Roxanne’s fantasy was a good one, though not the most shining. Roxanne was very creative.
When it came to pass, Roxanne’s fantasy deaths for Mama Stella could never have matched her mother-in-law’s true demise. The accident was rather inconsequential. She hit her head on the stove reaching for her Zinfandel, which had somehow worked its way further back on the middle rack than it was accustomed to be stowed. She hit her head on the door, bounced off the stove door and fell heavily on her nose and forehead. Estella Pirella Deirdre Webb lay on the kitchen floor all day and night holding her Zinfandel, which had not broken, when Mr. Webb returned from his business trip. She lay there awhile longer until her husband could gather his wits to call 911. At which point he became suspect in a suspected spousal death. His alibi panned out and the accident was officially declared an accident.
The church service, the viewing and the graveside epistolatory diatribe went without a hitch. The perhaps excessively tall and ornate headstone was placed and life went on.
On the seven week, 49th day, anniversary of Stella Pirella Deirdre Webb’s death, when the dead person’s soul is supposed to take on a new form, the family gathers to say good-bye, for it is all over. Truly and forever all over.
Roxanne and Will went to Mama Stella’s grave to lay their gift of flowers, a beautiful large gathering of Queen of Hearts, a large red-almost-to-black bulbous flower flaring out from a green centre, like great lips ready for a kiss. The opening in the shape of an upside down heart. Silky and slim. Biological name Nepenthes robcantleyii. Roxanne had chosen the flowers, making sure they were potted so they would not die quickly.
With the birds chittering away, Roxanne bent over and placed the over-sized pot at the foot of the headstone. The marble edifice fell over and the bronze angel mounted on the beveled carved rays topping the black stone clouted her on the head and killed her. And then it was very, very quiet in the cemetery.
Bio: Jimsecor is surviving in Kansas under the Brownback Horror and the first rain in a long time. A former student from China came by for a visit; he’s now teaching in Chicago. His new hip is coming along, though slower than he’d like. He is now at Covington’s Who’s Who but otherwise an unknown celebrity with publications here and there, in 3 countries, and some theatre production in China, where he staged an all-female Lysistrata that passed the gov’t filming. He thought it was nice that he remained a good boy; in the US he’s not so good, I think is the way to put it. At least, he’s very outspoken, including over Obama’s not reading Lupeé. Jim can be found at Linkedin and, via Minna vander Pfaltz, at http://labelleotero.wordpress.com. And can be reached directly at email@example.com.