Mommy had a mangy piece for you to read about how toxins cause birth defects and brain damage. She’s always talking about that stuff, but I deleted it.
Because I’ve reached the age of sixteen, I’ve taken up my pen to write my memoirs. I will share with you my wisdom.
I’ve learned many things over the years. For example: Not all dogs are dangerous, but if you have a hissy fit when you see the ones that live in your house, you get your own room in the house and Mommy feeds you gooshy-food. Then, Mommy and Daddy yell at the dogs to stay out of your room and leave you alone—that’s fun.
I let Mommy and Daddy sleep on the big bed in my room. They are my family so we sleep together. The bed has space for all of us if they remember to sleep close to the edge and not encroach on the pillows.
We used to have a waterbed and I could play all day chasing the waves until I got the covers and pillows pulled back and could kill the bed with my sharp fangs. I killed three waterbeds before Mommy and Daddy got a bed that isn’t alive. It isn’t near as much fun except when I barf on the bed and Mommy has hysterics that I’ll “ruin the mattress.”
My favorite food is hind-quarter of rat. We live near the forest so I’ve had a steady supply of rats. It is important to plan for the future, so in the winter, I keep a family of rats under the nice warm house so I have a fresh supply of my favorite delicacy whenever I choose to catch one. I like gooshy-food too, and it is much easier to have Mommy and Daddy bring me a serving than it is to catch rats.
I have worked hard to train my humans and even if I say so myself I’ve had some degree of success. Mommy was fairly easy to train except for one annoying behavior that I will discuss later. Daddy is nearly impossible to train. Sometimes, I can get him to bring me gooshy-food and at bedtime he might stroke me, but he never scratches me under the chin like Mommy does. He never cleans up after me when I barf and is generally slothful about meeting my demands for attention or solitude. He has never learned to let me in and out. He seems to think I should use the little door they built special for me. How undignified to open my own door!
I do have one serious problem. Mommy and Daddy have a horrid behavior that I have never been able to break them of. They put their best clothes in boxes with wheels and handles and leave home for days. A couple times they’ve been gone for three weeks! I hope I’ve broken them of these long absences, but I don’t trust them to stay home everyday and wait on me.
I’ve tried everything I know to break this behavior. I tried sitting in their boxes-with-wheels, but they just take me out and don’t get the message that they are not supposed to leave. Next, I tried peeing on the boxes-with-wheels to tell them that those boxes belong to me, and they can’t have them—didn’t work. I’ve barfed repeatedly on the boxes, but Mommy just cleans it up, and they leave. Of course, there must be consequences for bad behavior so I go next door and stay with the old couple there until long after Mommy and Daddy get home.
Next door, I sleep in the old people’s patches of sunlight and eat their mice and rats. The old people pet me sometimes, but they also scold me for eating their birds. However, they never give me gooshy-food. What am I supposed to eat? I have stayed there for over a week after Mommy and Daddy got home, but I don’t think my minions have learned not to leave.
I hope that my readers might have suggestions on how to break Mommy and Daddy from this terrible behavior. The fact that Melissa comes and feeds me gooshy-food doesn’t make the behavior any less horrid.
Finally, I want my readers to know that getting along with others is easy if you stay cool and don’t hiss at everybody you see. When I was young, I made friends will all the cats in the neighborhood, and they let me eat their food if I chose. I don’t really like dry food, but as a courtesy to my friends, I would eat a bowl of it while they stood and watched. I knew I could always barf the disgusting stuff back up on the bed in my room. It is very important to be polite to your friends and eat what they serve.
I used to visit my friends daily, but all of them have passed on, so I now lie on my bed and remember the past when I made my daily rounds of the neighboring houses and ate the offerings they gave me and slept in the best patches of sunlight. Now, I appreciate the sunlight on my own bed.
Delinda McCann is a mostly retired social psychologist with specialties in at-risk youth and adverse effects of toxins on children. She has written four novels based on her career experiences and has the fifth novel, Power and Circumstance, to be released soon. She is also an avid organic gardener and amateur musician.