Life As I See It:  By Golden-Fang Rat-Slayer  (aka Dandelion)

cat with pen and pad

Readers,

Mommy had a mangy piece for you to read about how toxins cause birth defects and brain damage.  She’s always talking about that stuff, but I deleted it.

Because I’ve reached the age of sixteen, I’ve taken up my pen to write my memoirs.  I will share with you my wisdom.

I’ve learned many things over the years.  For example:  Not all dogs are dangerous, but if you have a hissy fit when you see the ones that live in your house, you get your own room in the house and Mommy feeds you gooshy-food. Then, Mommy and Daddy yell at the dogs to stay out of your room and leave you alone—that’s fun.

I let Mommy and Daddy sleep on the big bed in my room.  They are my family so we sleep together.  The bed has space for all of us if they remember to sleep close to the edge and not encroach on the pillows.

We used to have a waterbed and I could play all day chasing the waves until I got the covers and pillows pulled back and could kill the bed with my sharp fangs.  I killed three waterbeds before Mommy and Daddy got a bed that isn’t alive.  It isn’t near as much fun except when I barf on the bed and Mommy has hysterics that I’ll “ruin the mattress.”

My favorite food is hind-quarter of rat.  We live near the forest so I’ve had a steady supply of rats.  It is important to plan for the future, so in the winter, I keep a family of rats under the nice warm house so I have a fresh supply of my favorite delicacy whenever I choose to catch one.  I like gooshy-food too, and it is much easier to have Mommy and Daddy bring me a serving than it is to catch rats.

I have worked hard to train my humans and even if I say so myself I’ve had some degree of success.  Mommy was fairly easy to train except for one annoying behavior that I will discuss later.  Daddy is nearly impossible to train.  Sometimes, I can get him to bring me gooshy-food and at bedtime he might stroke me, but he never scratches me under the chin like Mommy does.  He never cleans up after me when I barf and is generally slothful about meeting my demands for attention or solitude.  He has never learned to let me in and out.  He seems to think I should use the little door they built special for me.  How undignified to open my own door!

I do have one serious problem.  Mommy and Daddy have a horrid behavior that I have never been able to break them of.  They put their best clothes in boxes with wheels and handles and leave home for days.  A couple times they’ve been gone for three weeks!  I hope I’ve broken them of these long absences, but I don’t trust them to stay home everyday and wait on me.

I’ve tried everything I know to break this behavior.  I tried sitting in their boxes-with-wheels, but they just take me out and don’t get the message that they are not supposed to leave.  Next, I tried peeing on the boxes-with-wheels to tell them that those boxes belong to me, and they can’t have them—didn’t work.  I’ve barfed repeatedly on the boxes, but Mommy just cleans it up, and they leave.  Of course, there must be consequences for bad behavior so I go next door and stay with the old couple there until long after Mommy and Daddy get home.

Next door, I sleep in the old people’s patches of sunlight and eat their mice and rats.  The old people pet me sometimes, but they also scold me for eating their birds.   However, they never give me gooshy-food.  What am I supposed to eat? I have stayed there for over a week after Mommy and Daddy got home, but I don’t think my minions have learned not to leave.

I hope that my readers might have suggestions on how to break Mommy and Daddy from this terrible behavior.  The fact that Melissa comes and feeds me gooshy-food doesn’t make the behavior any less horrid.

Finally, I want my readers to know that getting along with others is easy if you stay cool and don’t hiss at everybody you see.  When I was young, I made friends will all the cats in the neighborhood, and they let me eat their food if I chose.  I don’t really like dry food, but as a courtesy to my friends, I would eat a bowl of it while they stood and watched.  I knew I could always barf the disgusting stuff back up on the bed in my room. It is very important to be polite to your friends and eat what they serve.

I used to visit my friends daily, but all of them have passed on, so I now lie on my bed and remember the past when I made my daily rounds of the neighboring houses and ate the offerings they gave me and slept in the best patches of sunlight.  Now, I appreciate the sunlight on my own bed.

Delinda McCann

Delinda McCann is a mostly retired social psychologist with specialties in at-risk youth and adverse effects of toxins on children.  She has written four novels based on her career experiences and has the fifth novel, Power and Circumstance, to be released soon.  She is also an avid organic gardener and amateur musician.

 

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12 thoughts on “Life As I See It:  By Golden-Fang Rat-Slayer  (aka Dandelion)

  1. John B. Rosenman

    Yes, Delinda, you did capture the feline spirit perfectly, and about halfway through your delightful piece, I had a strange epiphany. I felt that if had only read this “advice from an old cat” much earlier, and adapted it to my life as a human, I would have had a much more successful and happy existence! I would have been more popular and enjoyed more patches of bright sunlight, metaphorically speaking. Whatever the case, you do understand a cat’s minds and values. Or to put it succinctly — Meow!

    Reply
  2. Charline Ratcliff

    What an adorably wonderful piece. I read the entire thing with a broad smile on my face, while occasionally laughing at some of the shared cat similarities.
    Several years back, I had purchased some kind of faux, rather shaggy, “animal” rug. And oh my gosh, my cat Oreo was in heaven… She was absolutely certain that it was an animal. It was. Really. (And there was no arguing with her)!
    When she’d crouch down to slink through the shag, you could only see the top half of her; and the butt-wiggle right before she “attacked” never failed to be funny. I just needed to be sure my feet weren’t partially hidden in her “hunting grounds” or else I’d get quite the shock!

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  3. Bryan Murphy

    Well, Dandelion, I think you need to play on your humans’ capacity to feel guilt. When they appear again after their bad behaviour, pretend to be really sick for a few days. They’ll think their going away caused it and their coming back cured it. It may not stop their bad behaviour altogether, but it should help them to cut down on it. Good luck!

    Reply
  4. Rosemary "Mamie" Adkins

    Delinda, you certainly are brave with this piece. Many of us talk for our pets but I have only seen one other actually write it and pull it off as you have. Bravo for having the voice of this cat. And to talk about RATS!

    I talk for my dogs and always have-too bad for anyone who hears as I answered too. This was a different and delightfully spirited piece. It’s nice to read something lighthearted.

    But, all I can say is that I am glad our pet is a dog (although I always have adored the cat) as no way could I deal with those critters or even the thought of them. now if Maggie will remember she is not a cat!

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  5. Conrad Steitz

    Well, “That’s Right!” My cat concurred…”just to be polite, I have my master crack-open of ‘solid white tuna!;”… I have a lot of pals…

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  6. Delinda

    Fans, thank you for your kind comments. My human is thrilled with my fame as a writer. It is okay but gooshy food and a warm place to sleep are better. Mr. Bryan, thank you for your kind ideas. I shall certainly try playing sick if they ever do that horrible thing again. Charline, how thoughtful of you to provide your cat companion with a habitat for hunting. You are a good human. It is good that you all smiled. Smiling is as good as purring. Life is good. – Golden Fang Rat Slayer

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  7. Monica Brinkman

    As a crazy cat lady, I adored this piece. Punky the Radio Cat gave it a ‘4 Paw’ review.
    You touched on how a pet must really feel and did a wonderful job. I wanted to keep reading more.

    Reply
  8. Martha Love

    Dandelion, next time try putting a couple of things of yours in the box-with-wheels to give your humans the idea that you would like to go off with them? You are a great writer because you entertain us and give us a bit of interspecies communication!

    Reply

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