Can Even The Dead See This and Forget to Weep? by James L. Secor

noh grief

She came into the room, the scars on her arm too numerous to count. She had her old polishing rag in one hand. The polish was in the other. The room was an unimportant room. It was too ordinary. Everything in its place. Clean, tidy, a room to be proud of. Pristine clean.

Along the east wall was a window. Below the window was a large buffet. Atop the buffet were overlapped doilies, on each a gold-framed picture. She stood at the buffet. She sprayed her wax on the open top already high-glossed, high-lighting the wood grain of blacks and browns, ground for the gold frame. Wiping it down took some time. Her swirls shone in the sunlight from the window until they disappeared into the wood so the buffet top sparkled.

Out of a drawer she withdrew a feather whisk.

Reverenced, she raised the frame, dusting the memento. Then she set it down. Raising some trinkets before the first photograph, she fingered them daintily. Army regalia. With each piece, great care was taken shining them to reflect the day light their wearers no longer appreciated.

And she said, “You were my husband. I loved you. You were mine. I cooked for you. I cleaned for you. I made babies for you. I loved you. But that was taken from me. They killed you and gave me these. That I might better remember you, they said. I should be proud and I should have something great to live for. Your honor,” they said. “Your honor to look upon forever, they said.”

She put them back before the picture.

She dusted off the next picture. She set the duster down. She picked up the medals in front of this frame. They slipped through her fingers into her other hand. She did this over and again.

She said, “You were my first born. The apple of my eye. Such a tiger you were. I loved you with every ounce of my soul. I helped you grow up. All by myself. I watched you excel in sports. And school. Here, take this, they said. I have lived with these remains. My memory.”

And she put the memorabilia down before the picture, gently.

She took up the duster and dusted the last picture. She put it down and reached for the mementos before it. She held them tightly in her hands.

She said, “You were my baby. I spoiled you so. I raised you well. Remember when you would go down to the road and throw yourself against the cars? You bounced off. You bounded away, running and laughing. I would scold you. But when you grew to manhood, your luck did not hold out. You came home stretchered. Then they gave me these. Take these, they said. In remembrance of him. My heart.”

She put the keepsakes down.

She squatted down and began polishing Army boots. There were five of them lined up below the buffet, awaiting wearers. She made each shiny black, two by two by one.

She picked up her rag and her spray can, moving to the end table. It did not receive any sunlight at all. She sprayed the surface. She was careful not to get the doilie wet. There was a picture on it. With care she dusted it with the feathers. She held it up. She looked at it for some time. Then she kissed it, set it back down.

She moved to the drop-leaf table against the west wall. There was a large doilie on the table with two pictures on it. She polished the table. She dusted the pictures. She picked them up and looked at them awhile. She hugged them to her breasts. She squeezed them to her. She put them back in their places.

She returned to the kitchen. She came back with a bucket. She set it down before the centre table. She took one of the long objects from the pile on the table. Kneeling down on the floor, between her knees she placed the bucket. She held the Army-green object before her. And the bayonet unsheathed. She quickly sliced her arm open, blood coursing down her arm, collecting in her hand at the bottom of the pail between her spread legs.

She said, “Take and drink this. I want you to remember me. I died for you. I died for you. Ooo-wuwu!” Like a dog with no master she whined.

She howled, “There is nothing but this for me. There is only my blood. Take and drink of this.” And she spat, “May you choke on it! May you be accursed till I die–and I will never die. Cannot die. Always to suffer. My loss, my blood, all that is left me! Tell me the reason you have cut off my legs and arms, cut out my heart! Tell me the reason!” she cried out. “Tell me why! I would know why you snuffed out the joy of my life thoughtless. I want the spear out of my side!” Like a dog she yelped. “Ah-ooo-wawoo!”

She rent herself again to watch the blood well up and spill over the eviscerated flesh, unsalved.

She snarled, “I tell you the wound will not heal. It suppurates while you give me trinkets to staunch it. I do not want your pieces of the true flame. Your medals. I want my men. When will you hear me? There are no heroes. There are only carried burdens. I carry the burden of mankind in my soul. Can you not see? I am called Earth and you do nothing but rape me! Woo-wowo-wooo!” A beaten dog’s yelping.

killed mother mask

She came into the room, the scars on her arm too numerous to count. She had her old polishing rag in one hand. The polish was in the other. The room was an unimportant room…

 

BIO

Jimsecor thought he would advance his career by giving up 11 years of live theatre production to get a PhD. Little did he know! He worked with the Lifers at KS State Penn and did summer vaudeville and somehow got the doctorate, publication in a volume devoted to Japanese ghosts and demons and wrote a ground-breaking, though not academically enchanting, dissertation on women and morals in theatre. Then he studied at the National Puppet Theatre of Japan while writing award winning tanka. Illness forced a return to the States where he worked in disability. Seven years in China followed with multiple productions, including an all-female Lysistrata, TV commercials, a documentary and the publication of poems in Chinese in a major journal. He was also commissioned for a film and a play: the play was not liked and the film was deemed unable to pass the censors, so they never saw the light of day. Via Liverpool, he returned to the US and publication in The Speed of Dark and his own book of mysteries, Det. Lupée: The Impossible Cases. He can be found on Linkedin and at http://labelleotero.wordpress.com along with Minna vander Pfaltz, while his essays are sprinkled all over the internet. Jimsecor’s email is hellecchino@eclipso.eu. Lord, lord, lord–what does Helleccino mean?

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8 thoughts on “Can Even The Dead See This and Forget to Weep? by James L. Secor

  1. Clayton Bye Post author

    I was moved by this story the first time I read it. Now, several reads later, I still feel the power in the surprise ending. And the thing that really gets hold of me is that the ending shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. We have become so jaded with respect to the constant wars that flash across our television screens we forget all about the secondary victims, those people who have lost the dead soldiers.

    A beautifully written, and important, piece for the times.

    Reply
  2. Kenneth Weene

    This powerful and well crafted piece make me proud to be the author’s friend and fellow member of the Write Room Blog. I particularly like the single boot as a touch to reinforce the sense of sacrificed limbs.

    Reply
  3. John B. Rosenman

    Yes, we often forget all the mothers who give birth to sons whom they raise only to see mangled and buried. And what are they left with? Their medals and flags to polish and treasure in lieu of their sons. And now more and more they donate and sacrifice their daughters as well. And at the end we realize the mother is symbolic, the eternal, cyclical Earth mother who is raped and despoiled of her children by War, whose mad hunger is never satisfied. We never learn, and the mother always has to enter this unimportant room which is our lives.

    Reply
  4. Micki Peluso

    My friend Jim Secor’s writing always fascinates me–he thinks on a level that I have rarely experienced.This incredible story is another example of this man’s genius. It is a story to be reread as so many meanings spring forth each and every time.

    Reply
  5. James Secor

    Thanks. This is one of three anti-war stories I wrote around the same time. I tried to use as little “geographical” description as possible because what things look like is not important, only what she’s doing. I wanted to shock with her return, showing what this all means and, to some extent, why this happens. She’s supposed to suffer and give her blood. What else are women supposed to do? Ludicrous. I find the entire war “thing” ludicrous. But it litters human history…

    Reply
  6. linniescorner

    Jim, I wasn’t at all confident that I could properly respond to your heart rending piece. Earlier on, I decided to not even try. But I did come back to read it over and over again because on a personal level, my life mirrors the painful losses this mother endures, not from war but from illness and accident from my earliest years till now. Though circumstances may differ, many women suffer devastating loss and are left to make of it whatever they can in order to survive. Multiple losses, especially next of kin, beg the questions, why them and not me and will anything ever fill that empty space in my heart that was vacated way too soon?
    A poignant truth beautifully expressed Jim and so much appreciated…many thanks.

    Reply

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